Let's face it, we're all barbies.

I'm afraid that it is inevitable. I'm living in Utah, which Barbie will I become?

I live on the East Bench.

"East Bench Barbie" This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

I work in Kearns.

"Kearns Barbie" This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

I do taxes in West Valley

"West Valley Barbie" This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. White boy Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

I drive a subaru.

" The Avenues Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Avenues Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

I went to school in Provo.

"Provo Barbie" She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always at church meetings.

Kira's Ode

Okay, one more tonight.

Kira just finished her ode, so here it go... (es):

I know, I know… it's been way too long,
So I type this ode, to right my wrong.
I wish to say that much has changed,
I'm sad to say I'm still deranged.

The same old story, I'm still at school,
Why talk of this? It is sooo cruel.
I'll write of Cyd, and our party,
I wish we had invited someone named Marty.

It's really hard to rhyme with things like fondue,
I'd have to end my sentence with words like glue or pooh.
Oh crap, my sentences are now getting really really long…
I think maybe this isn't going to finish so strong.

It's 2:47 and we still are awake,
That must've been an awesome party, they must have had cake.
This ode is weak, I know, don't lie.
With this shame, I say goodbye.

For more from Kira, visit her blog.

Happy New Year! 2007

BEFORE

The effects of alcohol are apparent, kids. Don't drink and drive.

Don't drink and have your picture taken either.

DURING

An Ode

I've never been one to ode
but this I'll try for you, my friend.
You begged, you plode
(which means pled, but I had to find
something that rhymes with ode)

Kira is by me, the master of odes.
But she's drawing a blank, so here I goes...

ahh, crap. I'm no good at this.
Instead, I'll just show you a picture of my grandpa riding his tricycle.

Sarah and I met in St. George last weekend to visit my grandparents. They live in a retirement community and all the old men go out every morning for a ride on their giant tricycles. My grandpa loves this thing. He tells me, "You can ride a tricycle when you're a little boy and you can ride a tricycle when you're an old man." So my sister found this t-shirt and bought one for her son and one for my grandpa:
By the way, Kira and I had a fondue party tonight. It was nothing like the epic fondue party we had in AZ, but there were some good memories relived tonight.

ah, the soft glow of illuminated sex.

I never did send a proper picture of the leg lamp that I made. This thing was so jimmy-rigged. Inside that paper mache leg is plaster of paris, lentils, a ladle (cupping the heel for support), three shoe horns to support the ankle, and a little batting at the top.

It actually works as well. I wired it.

After all the messing with it to make it stand up, it looks like the person has a small case of elephantitis in the ankle.

They're losing their momentum the longer I wait.

Aubrey, here are the pictures Momentum Climbing Gym. I don't think that is a great name for it because they are mighty slow...they were supposed to be open at the beginning of December and here it is mid-January and they're projecting the end of February. I'm getting anxious!

Anyway, their website has some cool slideshows as well: www.momentumclimbing.com

So when I first saw these pictures, I was really impressed with the open sky and was wondering if it was a glass ceiling. Then I realized that at that point, the climbing gym was a hole in the ground and that these pictures were computer generated. Sometimes I really amaze myself.

I think I figured out why I'm not married yet.

From the mouth of babes (who usually know best): HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. Pam, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8 It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age "And the No 1 Favourite is........" HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10